So the title of this post is something I’ve heard from my friends on numerous occasions, especially when they’ve seen me tired or stressed at problems that aren’t really mine to deal with. I’ve lost count of the amount of times people have told me that I’m ‘too nice’ or ‘too accommodating’. Some of you are probably wondering, what is the actual problem here? Being described as nice is a compliment right? Well, I have come to realise that ‘nice’ is good, but ‘too nice’ isn’t so much.
Having the ‘too nice’ label signifies someone who is afraid to set boundaries, somebody who is afraid to say no, somebody who puts others needs before their own (not in a selfless way but in a self-neglect way) …. somebody like me (and maybe somebody like you, if you can relate).
Throughout my life I’ve always tried to be kind, caring, empathetic and helpful to near enough everyone I meet. Don’t get it twisted, I can be not so nice when I want to because I’m feared out in these cold streets *does a certi 1 arda pose*. Okay I’m not, but I’d like to think respek is put on my name. But anyway, those qualities are part of what defines me. You see, its not the nice part that’s the problem, it’s the ‘too’ that is.
Okay, so the definition of ‘too’ is: to a higher degree than is desirable.
It alludes to the concept of going above and beyond or something being in excess, basically over-doing it!
Some of the problems with being ‘over accommodating’ or ‘too nice’ are:
- Always feeling busy and overwhelmed
- Feeling like there’s never any ‘me’ time
- Feeling like people are being cheeky and trying to take advantage of your good nature
- Attracting people with draining emotional needs and neglecting the ones that need your help the most
- Expecting others to be just as accommodating for you
- People coming to you only when they need things
- People being suspicious of your niceness and perceiving you to have ulterior motives
Its funny right, how something inherently positive can have negative effects?
Life is all about moderation. When you really think about it, the problems that come with being overly nice are usually self-inflicted. The solution is finding that balance in your life, and knowing when to be a ‘yes’ man/woman and then knowing when to just say ‘no’. If you’re anything like me, then you most likely say yes, when you really mean no, say you’re okay, when you’re really not, always focus on the other person’s needs, when you have a shedload of needs of your own.
Being a kind person isn’t necessarily a problem, but it has to come from a place of strength, balance, and understanding.
So here are some things I’m trying to do, that could help you if you’ve identified with anything in this blog post:
- Learn to say ‘no’ kindly when you honestly can’t help people. Its not being mean or selfish, it’s simply stating the facts of the situation. And be more assertive with your own needs if you feel they’re being ignored.
- Do nice things for yourself as and when you can. Learn to channel some of that energy into you, cheekily treat yourself because why not really?
- Speak your mind. Its not everyday have an opinion but voicing your thoughts in a constructive manner is healthy.
- Don’t feel guilty for saying no. You cannot be all things to all people.
- Don’t miss out on building your own empire because you are too concerned with helping someone build theirs. Find that healthy balance. Before you know it, you’ll be left behind and other people will be progressing on the back of your work, whilst you have nothing to show for yourself but stress related illnesses!
You can actually help others more by example, showing them how to say no in the right way, how to stand up for themselves and how to be good to others without being overly self-sacrificial. I’m really trying to implement this in my life, so try with me!
“You have to decide what your highest priorities are and have the courage – pleasantly, smilingly, nonapologetically – to say ‘no’ to other things. And the way to do that is by having a bigger ‘yes’ burning inside.” – Stephen Covey
and for the Bible readers out there…
Matthew 25:1-13 – The story of the women who wisely refused to share their lamp oil with five others who did not bring enough for themselves and Jesus didn’t reprove them for being stingy.